After more than a decade of trying to come to terms with the way George Lucas ruined the childhood memories of my favorite film trilogy, here is my best attempt to explain why the prequels are awful. I wish they had never been made and honestly that's what I like to pretend. This is my therapy, one last effort to purge them forever from my mind. Enjoy.
1. Jar Jar Binks
1. Jar Jar Binks
Do I really need to explain this?
2. Midichlorians-
What was a mystical backdrop and cool plot device in the original trilogy was reduced to mind-numbingly stupid, apparently calculable GERMS?! Thanks for making science fiction into boring fake science, George. Plus, you may notice that not once in the prequels does anyone say, "may The Force be with you" and why should they? Apparently it was with you from birth or it wasn't.
3. Anakin-
From the too young and barely competent Jake Lloyd to the whiny, wooden, passionless Hayden Christensen. The character is poorly written to say the least, a horrible person with no redeemable qualities for us to root for at worst. The fact that we know Anakin will become Darth Vader is written with as little mystery as possible. His fall to the dark side is more like stubbing a toe. He's established as a sadistic narcissistic jerk in Episode 2 long before being supposedly "seduced" by the dark side. When you think about it any Star Wars fan on the street could have probably written a more compelling tale that kept true to the vision of the original films. And I think it was taking things too far into cliche by making Anakin "the chosen one" from a prophecy that is never really explained. Hasn't this idea been done to death? He's not Neo….or Jesus.
4. The romance-
This only adds to number 3. There is NO reason, not one, for Padme to fall in love with Anakin. The best reason I can think of is that they are kind of familiar with each other. That's about it. He stares at her creepily. He broods and whines like a spoiled brat about how great he is but Obi-Wan doesn't appreciate him "whaaaa, whaaaa, whaaaaa!!" The chemistry between them is lifeless and obviously manufactured. You'd think she would be far more attracted to Ewan McGregor, especially considering Obi-Wan outranks little Annie and acts like a mature adult. Like Anakin's turn to the dark side, we already know they end up together and so we are supposed to accept it no matter how clumsily it is presented. And I cannot stress this next point strongly enough. He KILLED women and children but Padme responds with affection and compassion?!! She is completely ho-hum and excuses mass murder by saying, "anger is part of being human". Thanks for that Dear Abby. Hope you can sleep soundly after that resounding denunciation of cold blooded murder.
5. R2-D2 can fly??!!-
Dumb, dumb, dumb. Period. I can imagine George Lucas in a meeting revealing this decision.
Lucas: In Episode 2 we will get to see Artoo fly with little rockets secretly hidden beneath him. Cool, huh?
Lucas: You're fired.Logical Lucasfilm Lackey: Um, Mr. Lucas what happened to those rocket boosters in Episodes 4 through 6? You know, like when Artoo has to swim through murky water and gets swallowed by a swamp beast on Dagobah, or when he clumsily falls off of Jabba the Hut's sailing barge into the sand, or...
6. Anakin bulit C3PO-
Um, nope. C3PO is a mass-produced protocol droid. You see other examples of the same droid in the movies. I don't care how many midichlorians (GROAN!) this kid has he wouldn't be able to program his makeshift droid made with spare parts with 6 million forms of communication. Then there's the problem of Owen Skywalker previously owning the same droid…..this coincidence isn't improbable it's just retarded. Dumb move from the get go.
7. The clueless and unethical Jedi-
Who are these freakin' Jedi? They are idiots all the way through the entire trilogy. If Kenobi could sense millions of souls perishing on Alderaan across millions of miles, if Luke could sense Han and Leia suffering in Cloud City, if any Jedi, especially Yoda, can detect a "disturbance in the Force", why can't Yoda detect Palpatine is evil while standing in the same room? Oh, oh he is "clouding their minds", not one mind, or two, ALL of them....well then Jedi are basically useless. I suppose they needed stronger doses of midichlo....AARGH!!And don't get me started on the jerks these guys are. They make one poor decision after the other but worst of all they seem to have no care whatsoever for the plight of slaves on Tatooine. They basically tell Anakin to get over the fact that his mother has been left there in bondage. Because it's wrong to care about others. That leads to the Dark Side I suppose.
8. Yoda fighting with a lightsaber-
To anyone who actually thinks this is cool…..sigh, you're the problem. This childish development is proof positive that Lucas doesn't understand his own creation. Yoda explained during Luke's training that size doesn't matter and that The Force is more powerful than war, or lightsabers. Yoda can lift an X-Wing out of the muck without moving a muscle. That's kind of the point. He's 800+ years old, frail, and walks with a cane. Having him jump and spin through the air like Speedy Gonzales on crack is not only stretching believability it is plain moronic. I think it was this moment when I finally realized, I hate you George Lucas. I also want to point out that Yoda was never seen with a light saber in the original trilogy nor did he train Luke to use one.
9. The plot-
The original trilogy had a simple plot that grade schoolers could follow. And a central character, Luke Skywalker, who we could all identify with and pull for as he matured from a whiny kid to a bona fide Jedi badass. The prequel trilogy is nearly impossible to follow, but if you really pay attention to the plot it makes no sense. The taxing of trade routes isn't going to get anybody excited. The senate hearings are boring and pointless. All in all it is over-political, convoluted nonsense. I could waste hundreds of words trying to explain what was happening, but that would be just as torturous as sitting through the movies. As I said earlier, you could probably find any seasoned Star Wars fan and they would have written a better story.
And this should be another reason unto itself, but Phantom Menace does NOT have a main character. Think about it. Don't say Anakin. He doesn't show up until almost an hour in and then he's just a kid with barely a clue about what's happening around him. Hard to engage in a story without a main character.
10. Lightsaber insanity-
In the original trilogy the lightsaber was nearly treated with reverence. They weren't brandished at every opportunity. Especially when using a blaster or The Force seemed more appropriate. But in the prequels there are sabers flying all over the place. To the point that I thought I might have a seizure from the flashing lights. And as with many other things in these movies, their use is inconsistent. The Jedi can deflect laser blasts in the hundreds from droids and other combatants but are killed easily in Episode 3 from a handful of clones.
11. Obi-Wan vs. Anakin duel-
Besides the fact that this Episode 3 duel takes place a few feet from lava that would incinerate both Jedi or at least make them sweat, this is one of the worst scenes in any Star Wars film. When you see these same two face off in Star Wars (A New Hope) the calm demeanor and matter of fact introduction hardly reflects their last meeting. In fact that last meeting makes Obi-Wan the biggest jerk of them all (please refer back to number 7 on my list). Darth Vader says "last time we met you were the teacher…" etc. instead of what he should have said if Episode 3 is what we are to believe:
"You chopped off my limbs and left me to burn to death! I'm a mangled up hairless freak thanks to you! Now I will get my revenge!"
When Obi-Wan tells Luke about Vader he says "he's more machine now than man" without the slightest bit of remorse that HE was mostly responsible for that. Add that to the fact that he also lies to Luke and doesn't identify Vader as his father. Geez, what a quality character guy this jedi is. If he had any mercy or brains at all why didn't he go ahead and kill Anakin then and save everyone the agony of Darth Vader's reign of terror? Better to leave a paraplegic engulfed in flame I reckon. I can tell you really cared for the guy. Obviously "he was a good friend". SMH
It was difficult to keep this list to only 11. I tried and failed to make it a top ten list. I could very easily make a list of ten or twenty more reasons. If anyone asks me to name the worst movie ever made I don't say Plan 9 From Outer Space, or Troll 2. I say The Phantom Menace. Obviously it is vastly superior in terms of production value, special effects, etc. But considering the public anticipation, considering it is supposed to be the foundation for the most popular film trilogy in film history, it failed at every level. And it is the perfect example on how not to make a movie: no central character, confusing and illogical plot, characters with unclear motivation, and on and on. Believe me I tried to like it. I saw it twice the day it opened because I use my time wisely…But over time I had to admit what I already knew. It's terrible. And unfortunately the next two films were not much better. However, I still enjoy the original films, not the special edition nonsense, which should have been a clue to how Lucas was going to jack up the prequels. Who knows how the Disney films will turn out. I'm hesitant to find out.
