My Top 11 reasons the Star Wars prequels suck

After more than a decade of trying to come to terms with the way George Lucas ruined the childhood memories of my favorite film trilogy, here is my best attempt to explain why the prequels are awful. I wish they had never been made and honestly that's what I like to pretend. This is my therapy, one last effort to purge them forever from my mind. Enjoy.





                    1. Jar Jar Binks

                

                   Do I really need to explain this?

2. Midichlorians-

What was a mystical backdrop and cool plot device in the original trilogy was reduced to mind-numbingly stupid, apparently calculable GERMS?! Thanks for making science fiction into boring fake science, George. Plus, you may notice that not once in the prequels does anyone say, "may The Force be with you" and why should they? Apparently it was with you from birth or it wasn't.

3. Anakin-

From the too young and barely competent Jake Lloyd to the whiny, wooden, passionless Hayden Christensen. The character is poorly written to say the least, a horrible person with no redeemable qualities for us to root for at worst. The fact that we know Anakin will become Darth Vader is written with as little mystery as possible. His fall to the dark side is more like stubbing a toe. He's established as a sadistic narcissistic jerk in Episode 2 long before being supposedly "seduced" by the dark side. When you think about it any Star Wars fan on the street could have probably written a more compelling tale that kept true to the vision of the original films. And I think it was taking things too far into cliche by making Anakin "the chosen one" from a prophecy that is never really explained. Hasn't this idea been done to death? He's not Neo….or Jesus. 

                    4. The romance- 

This only adds to number 3. There is NO reason, not one, for Padme to fall in love with Anakin. The best reason I can think of is that they are kind of familiar with each other. That's about it. He stares at her creepily. He broods and whines like a spoiled brat about how great he is but Obi-Wan doesn't appreciate him "whaaaa, whaaaa, whaaaaa!!" The chemistry between them is lifeless and obviously manufactured. You'd think she would be far more attracted to Ewan McGregor, especially considering Obi-Wan outranks little Annie and acts like a mature adult. Like Anakin's turn to the dark side, we already know they end up together and so we are supposed to accept it no matter how clumsily it is presented. And I cannot stress this next point strongly enough. He KILLED women and children but Padme responds with affection and compassion?!! She is completely ho-hum and excuses mass murder by saying, "anger is part of being human". Thanks for that Dear Abby. Hope you can sleep soundly after that resounding denunciation of cold blooded murder. 



5. R2-D2 can fly??!!-

Dumb, dumb, dumb. Period. I can imagine George Lucas in a meeting revealing this decision.

Lucas: In Episode 2 we will get to see Artoo fly with little rockets secretly hidden beneath him. Cool, huh? 

Logical Lucasfilm Lackey: Um, Mr. Lucas what happened to those rocket boosters in Episodes 4 through 6? You know, like when Artoo has to swim through murky water and gets swallowed by a swamp beast on Dagobah, or when he clumsily falls off of Jabba the Hut's sailing barge into the sand, or...

                    Lucas: You're fired.

6. Anakin bulit C3PO-

Um, nope. C3PO is a mass-produced protocol droid. You see other examples of the same droid in the movies. I don't care how many midichlorians (GROAN!) this kid has he wouldn't be able to program his makeshift droid made with spare parts with 6 million forms of communication. Then there's the problem of Owen Skywalker previously owning the same droid…..this coincidence isn't improbable it's just retarded. Dumb move from the get go.

7. The clueless and unethical Jedi-

Who are these freakin' Jedi? They are idiots all the way through the entire trilogy. If Kenobi could sense millions of souls perishing on Alderaan across millions of miles, if Luke could sense Han and Leia suffering in Cloud City, if any Jedi, especially Yoda, can detect a "disturbance in the Force", why can't Yoda detect Palpatine is evil while standing in the same room? Oh, oh he is "clouding their minds", not one mind, or two, ALL of them....well then Jedi are basically useless. I suppose they needed stronger doses of midichlo....AARGH!!

And don't get me started on the jerks these guys are. They make one poor decision after the other but worst of all they seem to have no care whatsoever for the plight of slaves on Tatooine. They basically tell Anakin to get over the fact that his mother has been left there in bondage. Because it's wrong to care about others. That leads to the Dark Side I suppose.

8. Yoda fighting with a lightsaber-

To anyone who actually thinks this is cool…..sigh, you're the problem. This childish development is proof positive that Lucas doesn't understand his own creation. Yoda explained during Luke's training that size doesn't matter and that The Force is more powerful than war, or lightsabers. Yoda can lift an X-Wing out of the muck without moving a muscle. That's kind of the point. He's 800+ years old, frail, and walks with a cane. Having him jump and spin through the air like Speedy Gonzales on crack is not only stretching believability it is plain moronic. I think it was this moment when I finally realized, I hate you George Lucas. I also want to point out that Yoda was never seen with a light saber in the original trilogy nor did he train Luke to use one.

9. The plot-

The original trilogy had a simple plot that grade schoolers could follow. And a central character, Luke Skywalker, who we could all identify with and pull for as he matured from a whiny kid to a bona fide Jedi badass. The prequel trilogy is nearly impossible to follow, but if you really pay attention to the plot it makes no sense. The taxing of trade routes isn't going to get anybody excited. The senate hearings are boring and pointless. All in all it is over-political, convoluted nonsense. I could waste hundreds of words trying to explain what was happening, but that would be just as torturous as sitting through the movies. As I said earlier, you could probably find any seasoned Star Wars fan and they would have written a better story.

And this should be another reason unto itself, but Phantom Menace does NOT have a main character. Think about it. Don't say Anakin. He doesn't show up until almost an hour in and then he's just a kid with barely a clue about what's happening around him. Hard to engage in a story without a main character.

10. Lightsaber insanity-

In the original trilogy the lightsaber was nearly treated with reverence. They weren't brandished at every opportunity. Especially when using a blaster or The Force seemed more appropriate. But in the prequels there are sabers flying all over the place. To the point that I thought I might have a seizure from the flashing lights. And as with many other things in these movies, their use is inconsistent. The Jedi can deflect laser blasts in the hundreds from droids and other combatants but are killed easily in Episode 3 from a handful of clones. 

11. Obi-Wan vs. Anakin duel-

Besides the fact that this Episode 3 duel takes place a few feet from lava that would incinerate both Jedi or at least make them sweat, this is one of the worst scenes in any Star Wars film. When you see these same two face off in Star Wars (A New Hope) the calm demeanor and matter of fact introduction hardly reflects their last meeting. In fact that last meeting makes Obi-Wan the biggest jerk of them all (please refer back to number 7 on my list). Darth Vader says "last time we met you were the teacher…" etc. instead of what he should have said if Episode 3 is what we are to believe: 

"You chopped off my limbs and left me to burn to death! I'm a mangled up hairless freak thanks to you! Now I will get my revenge!" 

When Obi-Wan tells Luke about Vader he says "he's more machine now than man" without the slightest bit of remorse that HE was mostly responsible for that. Add that to the fact that he also lies to Luke and doesn't identify Vader as his father. Geez, what a quality character guy this jedi is. If he had any mercy or brains at all why didn't he go ahead and kill Anakin then and save everyone the agony of Darth Vader's reign of terror? Better to leave a paraplegic engulfed in flame I reckon. I can tell you really cared for the guy. Obviously "he was a good friend". SMH

It was difficult to keep this list to only 11. I tried and failed to make it a top ten list. I could very easily make a list of ten or twenty more reasons. If anyone asks me to name the worst movie ever made I don't say Plan 9 From Outer Space, or Troll 2. I say The Phantom Menace. Obviously it is vastly superior in terms of production value, special effects, etc. But considering the public anticipation, considering it is supposed to be the foundation for the most popular film trilogy in film history, it failed at every level. And it is the perfect example on how not to make a movie: no central character, confusing and illogical plot, characters with unclear motivation, and on and on. Believe me I tried to like it. I saw it twice the day it opened because I use my time wisely…But over time I had to admit what I already knew. It's terrible. And unfortunately the next two films were not much better. However, I still enjoy the original films, not the special edition nonsense, which should have been a clue to how Lucas was going to jack up the prequels. Who knows how the Disney films will turn out. I'm hesitant to find out. 

Top Ten Braves Moments

As Spring Training gets started here are my Top Ten Atlanta Braves video moments of all time:

10. An amazing play by one of my favorite players and probably the best center-fielder in Braves history, Andruw Jones

9. Part of that amazing "Worst to First" season in 91, three pitchers combined for a no-hitter

8. As a kid I loved to watch Bob Horner hit home runs. Here is his most historic moment.

7. The Braves made history in 1982 beginning the season with an unprecedented 13 game win streak. This longer video includes manager Joe Torre. 

6. My favorite Braves player of all time (besides Hammerin' Hank of course!) Chipper Jones has many highlights to choose from in his Hall of Fame career. Here is just one of the walk-off homers in his final season.

5. Greg Maddux is the best pitcher to ever wear a Braves uniform. Here he is shutting out the Yankees in the World Series.

4. Tom Glavine, like his Hall of Fame teammate Greg Maddux had his own shining moment in a World Series. This was the clinching game of the 1995 World Series.

3. The famous Sid Slide that sent the Braves to the 1992 World Series

2. The moment Braves fans remember around the world…winning the 1995 World Series! Brings a tear to my eye.

1. What else? The most iconic moment in Braves history by my favorite baseball player of all time and the greatest Brave of them all, Henry Aaron. This April will be the 40th anniversary of this historic moment.

I know I left out many great moments. Too bad I couldn't find a John Smoltz video to include. If you think of something great I forgot please let me know. Anyway, here's to a great 2014 season and Go Bravos!

My Top Ten Favorite Christmas Movies

I have updated this list from a few years ago. My top five are unchanged and probably always will be. You can't beat the classics.

10. White Christmas- Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye, Rosemary Clooney

For many years I did not care for this particular movie because the musical acts seem to take up more space than necessary. If I had the ability to edit it I would leave out a couple. Also I preferred the original version of Irving Berlin's classic song in another film, Holiday Inn. But in the last few years I have let this one grow on me. You can't beat the combination of Bing and Danny Kaye. And Rosemary Clooney has a unique vocal talent of her own. The story of the old general only gets better with repeated viewings.

9. The Polar Express- Tom Hanks

Another recent addition. What I like most about this one is the visual style. Seeing it in a theater is quite an experience. This was the first of the motion capture films from director Robert Zemeckis not to mention the best. 

8. The Bishop's Wife- Cary Grant, Loretta Young, David Niven

Underrated classic starring Cary Grant as an angel sent to help the Bishop (David Niven) and his wife (Loretta Young). I have to admit I thought it was a little silly the first time I saw it, but over the years it has become a holiday staple. 

7. The Shop Around The Corner- James Stewart, Margaret Sullavan

Charming film from director Ernst Lubitsch famous for his "Lubitsch Touch" and responsible for two popular remakes: In The Good Old Summertime and You've Got Mail. This is also one of two Jimmy Stewart films on my favorites list, although it is less of a Christmas movie and more of a classic romantic comedy. Like others it gets better every time you watch. 

6. Elf- Will Ferrell, James Caan

Possibly the funniest Christmas movie of all time. Who doesn't quote Buddy the Elf? "You sit on a throne of lies", "I'm singing and I'm in a store and I'm siiiiiiiiinging!" "I'm a cotton-headed ninnymuggins."

5. Miracle on 34th Street- Edmund Gwenn, Natalie Wood, Maureen O'Hara

















For many this is the number one Christmas movie. Adults of a certain age when they think of Santa Claus immediately picture the great British actor Edmund Gwenn in their mind. He seems to have been born to play the part. You have to watch this one during the Christmas season or you might be a Scrooge or a Grinch. I personally prefer the original B&W version, but if you must see a colorized version of any film this one isn't bad. I wouldn't waste time with the remake however.

4. A Christmas Story- Peter Billingsley

Probably the most quoted Christmas movie of them all and in my opinion the best Christmas comedy ever made (sorry Christmas Vacation fans). The 24 hour marathon every Christmas Eve is a testament to its lasting popularity.


3. Holiday Inn- Bing Crosby, Fred Astaire

This one became a tradition for me after searching for the original version of the song White Christmas. My family watches it every year and usually it is the first movie of the season. Some of it hasn't aged well (particularly the black-face routine), but Bing singing and Fred dancing never really gets old.

2. Scrooge- Albert Finney, Alec Guinness

More than any other Christmas movie this musical version of A Christmas Carol takes me back to my childhood. It aired on TV every year and we were certain not to miss it. It was most memorable for the songs and the ghosts which I thought were scarier than other versions. When I finally bought it on DVD some years back I was amazed to notice things the pan and scan version had cut out along with an entire sequence edited out of the TV version I had always seen. My children love this one as much as me.


1. It's A Wonderful Life- James Stewart, Donna Reed

It is actually unfair to categorize this as a Christmas movie. In fact it is among the greatest films ever made. The AFI top 100 ranked it #11 in 1998 and #20 in 2007. I'd put it in my top five. It is undoubtedly director Frank Capra's masterpiece and Jimmy Stewart's best performance. My annual tradition is watching this on Christmas Eve. It never ever gets old. Like all of my favorite films if I see any part of it I must watch it to the end. It pushes all of the right buttons even 67 years after it was released.

Kansas Man Creates Perfect Facebook Page

TOPEKA, KS- After four years of tedious effort, Daniel White, divorced father of three, has created the world's first perfect Facebook page. The moment he "liked" the Macy Gray fan page it became official. "I thought sharing the 'What Does The Fox Say?' YouTube video would be the moment," Dan admitted, "But it was that last fanpage like that did the trick. My page is now complete!"

"Mr. White's ratio of articles shared to pages liked is the most efficient and aesthetically pleasing example of a personal Facebook page we have seen yet," said an anonymous source at Facebook. "I don't think even Mr. Zuckerberg has a page like this. Of course he refused my friend request but I heard Z's page doesn't even have a cover photo. Crazy, huh?"

Daniel White's page boasts 32 albums of photos ranging from his children playing at the beach to the company picnic where coworker and workplace crush, Tammy Bankhead, posed in a beautiful polka-dot summer dress. Daniel has also liked over 200 pages including the Kansas Jayhawks basketball fan page and the Dale Earnhardt Jr King of Racing page. His political tastes land squarely down the middle as he has liked both Republican and Democrat pages. He has liked pages for Toy Story 1, 2 and 3. He has even liked the "I HATE Toy Story" page to represent all views. His well rounded perspective on all that Facebook has to offer is unique in the world of social networking.

"The uniformity of his views and tastes is quite remarkable," said an anonymous coworker who asked not to be identified as his workplace crush. "You can't get more average or neutral than Dan."

When asked about the accomplishment Dan's children said they were very happy and looked forward to speaking with their father some day about this or any other subject. Eight year old Caitlynn, said she couldn't remember what her father's voice sounded like except for his occasional laugh at "some stuff he seen on his phone." Derek, 12 years old, happily recounted the time they were at the beach and he got to see his dad for a few moments as he took pictures of Derek and his sisters playing in the sand.
"He was so excited to use the camera on his new phone. He didn't call me Dirk for once. I was shocked he remembered my real name. Those were some good pictures he took. That's the only time I saw him that whole trip. He went back to the beach house to download the shots onto his laptop. I guess he didn't want to get sand on it." When she was asked about this, 5 year old Doris only responded that she "wants Gogurt".

Dan's co-workers were equally impressed with his perfect Facebook page. When asked whether there was any chance the crush could lead to something more, Tammy Bankhead responded, "What? Which one is Dan?"

Daniel White says he doesn't know if he should continue adding to his page now that it has achieved 'Internet Nirvana" but he will be looking at it daily to admire his handiwork. When asked if he had any goals for his Twitter page he replied, "Never heard of it."

Top Ten Most Overused Movie Cliches

Here is a list of what I consider the most annoyingly overdone lines used in movies and TV. Obviously there are lots more to choose from, but these ten I find most conspicuous, plus one I threw in as a bonus. See if you recognize any of these gems.

Honorable mention:
"I'm only going to say this once"

What was that? I had one earbud in rocking my iPod. I missed the beginning part of your plan to break into the Pentagon. Can you repeat..

"I said I'd only say it once!"

Plan fails, everybody dies. The End. This is what I think of that stupid line.
As an old boss of mine once said, "Talk is cheap. Mistakes are expensive"
If you want to succeed or get your life altering deathbed point across, maybe repeat it for emphasis. 

10. "Well, well, well, what do we have here?"

Usually spoken by a villain or a very smarmy character. If I have to hear this it had better be tongue-in-cheek.

9. "You just don't get it, do you?"
     OR "You still don't get it, do you?"
     OR "Man, you really don't get it"

...and other variations.

This clever little device in a screenplay is there to set up a twist in the plot along with some character development for the apparently clueless protagonist. What they are saying, by the way, is that you the viewer are also clueless. See, YOU don't get it because there's some piece of the screenplay puzzle that's been kept from you...unless of course it's obvious to you because the story wasn't well written. If they had to use this line then that is highly likely. And it has been used in everything from movies to TV dramas to cartoons. Of course this line has been spoofed a time or two as well. Case in point:

8. "I've got a bad feeling about this"

Most well known for its use in every Star Wars film but also found elsewhere. This is an easy way to let the audience know, um, something bad is gonna happen. Possibly. 

7. "I'd tell you but then I'd have to kill you"

Yeah this was cute once. But, like many movie cliches, they beat it to death. It isn't remotely amusing anymore. And if anyone still puts this line in a movie expecting a laugh they deserve a swift kick in the groinal area. I made up the word groinal because it makes me laugh. Now watch that get used in 30 movies and ruined forever!

6.  "If I wanted to kill you, you'd be dead already" 

      OR "If they wanted to kill us, we'd be dead already"

Nonsense. Every time I hear this line I think it's a crock of crap. I mean think about it. Just because the good guy is still alive at the moment this line is said it doesn't mean the bad guy doesn't want to kill him. There could be valuable information to acquire first. And usually that is exactly what happens. It turns out the baddie DOES in fact want to kill you....eventually. 

5. "I need to talk to you....in private"

     "If you have something to say, you can say it in front of (fill in the blank)"

This happens frequently in dramatic movies and TV shows. It suggests a shift in allegiance and tension between characters who were once tighter than they are now. And invariably the new person in the circle of trust probably shouldn't have heard that private conversation after all. 

4. "Don't you die on me!"

Please, die over there. I just had this shirt dry cleaned.

3. "We've Got Company!"

At this point can't we have visitors? Or can't we say "Some other people are here now and I don't know who they are" or maybe "these people don't look like our friends"....something, anything but the stale, tired old phrase "we've got company". Unless of course John Ritter and Suzanne Somers show up then I would bow with respect at that clever reference. 

2. "I'm coming with you"

    "No you're not. I need to do this alone" 

    OR "You're staying here. It isn't safe"

...and many various permutations.

I have thought many times that this scenario is in every action movie ever made. I haven't checked on that to be sure but it sure does feel like it. What follows this exchange of course is that the first person shows up later after stowing away (or drinking Mai Tai's in their trailer until their scene comes up) and either helps save the day OR gets captured and needs rescuing by the hero who told them to stay put in the first place. Then there are kids who just have to come along and add unneeded stress to their parents who have to save them, like Jeff Goldblum's daughter in The Lost World (Jurassic Park 2)....who is black for some reason. The Incredibles kids do a decent job of helping themselves, but that doesn't make Mom (ElastiGirl) any happier when she sees they've come along for the ride. In everyday life if one of my kids asks to come with me, to the grocery store for instance, I have to say "NO! It's too dangerous!" 

1. "We aren't so different you and I"

....and other ways of phrasing the same idea.

Yes, there are many movie phrases used more often, but this tired plot trick is by far the most irritating and glaringly obvious. If I hear these words in a film at this point in cinema history...automatic thumbs down. A recent critically acclaimed film was moving along nicely until this phrase escaped the villains lips. I was very disappointed in the director who really should know better. This is an obvious narrative device used to challenge the protagonist and push them to prove they aren't the same in any way with the villain. It's the yin and yang of character development that I suppose was taught in screenwriting courses forever. But in this new century it is completely overcooked and needs to be thrown out for good. When it was used in Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) it may have worked, but unless you've never watched a movie this line shouldn't move you in any way in 2013. Heck it was spoofed in the first Austin Powers sixteen years ago!

That's my top ten. In case you think I forgot about a whole bunch of obvious lines here's a perfect video to add to this small list. There are a few bad words. You've been warned. Enjoy.

My Thoughts on the Oscars

I broke a ten year streak when I decided to watch the Academy Awards this year. I generally hate awards shows since they are usually a sycophantic display of superfluous narcissism. And let's face it, what they celebrate in all of the self congratulation is who did the best job of make believe. But since I love movies I guess I'm a fan of make believe anyway. The Oscars have only angered me in the past. They ignore true originality at times and award the politically correct far more. This year wasn't much different. I was happy with some wins, not so much with others. 

Speaking of breaking streaks, I had to end one streak in order to continue another....I haven't watched a movie with Ben Affleck since the last Best Picture he appeared in. That was fifteen years ago. I've done my best to avoid his annoyingness, no matter what hype I hear, but since Argo won Best Picture I will be watching it soon. I had already heard good things about the movie, but was secretly hoping it wouldn't win the top award so I could skip it. You see, I've seen every Best Picture winner (ok, so I haven't seen ALL of Ordinary People, but it's a bit too sappy for me) and so the streak must continue. I was a bit surprised Lincoln did not win....wait, no I'm not. Saving Private Ryan didn't win either, and NO I still haven't forgiven them for that one. Spielberg still has only one Best Picture winner which amazes me. 

I was happy to see Jennifer Lawrence win. She is one of the best actresses out there right now. I was also very happy to see my opinion confirmed that Daniel Day-Lewis is the greatest living actor. Since he is the first man to win more than two awards for Best Actor he can even be called the greatest of all time. But of course that's up for debate since Oscar has snubbed many who deserved multiple awards. Katherine Hepburn still stands alone with four golden statues for leading roles. 

In the scratch my head category, I can't understand how Tarantino now has TWO Oscars for screenwriting. No, I haven't seen Django Unchained so I can't be authoritative with my criticism. I only know I hate Tarantino from his previous work where he writes like a nerdy teenager trying desperately to sound cool. Once again, my favorite writer/director Wes Anderson did not win. Not that I'm surprised, but in the originality department I would award anyone over QT. Even the name "Django" is  purloined from Japanese cinema. He likes to steal a little from here and there and play it off as homage. But I don't buy it. I realize that I'm in the minority, though. As usual. 

I have yet to see some of the most acclaimed films of the year, which puts me more behind than usual. I loved Silver Linings Playbook and Lincoln. I still need to see Life of Pi, Argo, and Les Miserables among others. I will post reviews when I do see them in the near future.